My Hope for This Year

                       

A few years ago my best friend Kelly gave me the sweetest book Let Me Hold You Longer by Karen Kingsbury.  I had forgotten all about it until I recently discovered it on our bookshelf.  It's all about those bittersweet parts of parenthood that often slip by without us ever really knowing...the very last time you will ever pick your child up or give her a bottle or rock him to sleep.  I got this book at a time when I was up to my ears in dirty diapers and mommy,mommy,MOMMY!!! and messes beyond messes like this, so I didn't--couldn't--really appreciate what it was about.  And I'm sure I'll have even more appreciation in another 5, 10, or 20 years.  But for now, with my two big boys and my not-really-baby-anymore baby girl, I find myself nostalgic over those "lasts" a little more often than I used to be.  

Anna Claire is our third and final baby, and I have tried to treasure every single second of her sweet life so far.  I can honestly say I don't often take moments with her for granted, and I can get caught up in her little toddler world where everything she says is adorable (C'mon Mommy, let's snuggle)  and everything about her is tiny and cute and everything she does makes me smile (seriously nothing cuter than footie pj's and pigtails). 

She's just so fun right now.  She brings our family such joy each day, and I love that about her.  Over the last several months, Anna Claire has slowly nursed less and less.  There are days that go by now that she doesn't nurse at all.  It is always in my mind each time she ask to nurse, if this will be the last time.  The last time that I hold her and nurse her.  The last time that I ever nurse a baby.  I try as hard as I can to memorize the moment--to burn it into my mind somehow.  But I know that the weight of her in my arms and the way she snuggles into me will escape me far too soon.  I know this to be true because as hard as I try, I cannot remember what it felt like to hold Jack or Owen as babies.  I look at pictures and videos...

but the feeling of them, the weight of them in my arms...what they smelled like fresh from their naps or how their toddler voices sounded or what their baby hair felt like as I stroked their heads, or even their tiny hands in mine...it's all gone. 

Now that I realize how fleeting it all is, I desperately try to hold on to each moment, especially when I know it might be a last.  I remember reading an article once about sending a child off to college.  One part stuck with me--

"Parenthood offers many lessons in patience and sacrifice. But ultimately, it is a lesson in humility. The very best thing about your life is a short stage in someone else’s story. And it is enough." 

Whoa.  But, you know, he has a point.

We don't think about any of that going through this day-to-day routine of parenthood.  But the endless hours of cooking, rocking babies, folding laundry, potty training, playing board games, having sword fights, snuggling in bed, reading books, changing sheets, bathing, summer vacations, sick days, coloring pictures, doing homework, laughing, crying, teaching, loving, waking up, brushing teeth, baking cookies, birthday parties, Christmas mornings, dancing to loud music, wearing princess dresses, praying, loving some more, tickling, laughing some more, fighting, hugging, driving to practices, watching soccer games, and every other thing I have yet to experience as a parent are the best parts of my life...but they won't be for them.  They will have their own lives and their own families to look forward to one day...and I look forward to that season, as well.  But for now, I want to try to hold on to every single moment that I can.  I know I've already said goodbye to many, many treasured moments, but I will think about--and remember--the lasts I still have left to cherish.

The last time Anna Claire will ask me to kiss her owies.

The last time Owen will ask me to play stuffed animals with him.

The last time Jack will want me to have a light saber duel.

The last time Owen will ask to ride the carouself (yes, that's how he says it).

The last time I will rock Anna Claire to sleep.

The last time Jack will sit in my lap.

The last time Owen will crawl in my bed next to me when he has a bad dream.

The last time Anna Claire will reach her hands up in the air so that I can pick her up.

The last time that I will have the ability to make Jack feel safe by just being near him.

This school year has been more challenging, with both boys in school now, Anna Claire in MDO, and me teaching.  We've been busier than I would like.  We have rushed through moments and days and missed opportunities to be present and thankful.  I'm sorry to say I have raised my voice and been frustrated too often and missed chances to teach my children valuable life lessons.  I have probably missed a few of those lasts without ever knowing it.  I hope this year will bring us all more gratitude, more reflection, more acceptance that my kids are still kids and will act like kids, more moments worth keeping, more kindness in our home.  I want us to be truly thankful for all the firsts and the lasts and every moment in between. 

I love to hear all the different ways families show gratitude and make moments special.  From gratitude jars to photo-a-day projects to kids quote books, there are so many ways to capture those special moments.  I'm trying to decide what things we might do this year to help us keep our memories going, and I'd love to hear about what has worked for you.  Please share!

The Birth and First Days Home

Two weeks ago, Anna Claire joined our family on a quiet Saturday morning.The last two weeks have been so incredibly amazing and full of so many emotions.  We went in very early in the morning of November 24th to get ready for my third c-section.  It was really quiet on the labor and delivery floor since it was the weekend just after Thanksgiving, and there were only two or three other moms on the floor.  Everyone was really relaxed.  This was my third baby at the same hospital, and we had another great experience there with everyone being so supportive, attentive, and encouraging.  I had some pretty severe complications after Owen's birth, so I had some anxiety going into this surgery, and I appreciated how supportive everyone was, and it made the birth very pleasant.  

The surgery began around 8:25, and Anna Claire was born at 8:40 in the morning.  I heard her cries first and asked over and over, "Is it a girl?  Is it a girl?"  And finally someone confirmed that she indeed was my little girl that I had prayed and hoped for, and the nurse brought her around so I could see her.  I instantly fell so in love with her and every ounce of anxiety just melted away, as I could see that she was finally here, healthy, and strong. Tears flowed as I was filled with so many emotions, but most of all, complete gratitude for this amazing blessing. Now all I had to do was count the minutes until I could finally hold her.  The rest of the surgery took almost an hour, as I had my tubes tied and my doctor took an extra long time closing me up, making sure I would not have the same complications that I did before.  To my surprise, they let me hold Anna Claire on my chest as they wheeled me back to my room. 

I was able to nurse Anna Claire right away, and then my nurse (who had no other patients but me that day!) took her and gave her a bath, and I started to feel the effects of the drugs and was not feeling well.  The next few hours are a bit of a blur, as I was in and out from the phenergan I was given during the surgery.  After lunch, I began to feel better, and we started to make plans for the boys to come meet their little sister.  When they arrived, they were slightly apprehensive but came in bearing gifts and greeted their sister very well.  I had been pretty anxious about this moment, but it went better than I could have ever expected, and I was so proud of Jack and Owen for being so sweet to their new sister.  We were also thankful to have family in town for Thanksgiving, and they were able to meet Anna Claire the day she was born.

We had a slight complication the next day, when most of my staples fell out, and Dr. Walker had to come back and put stitches in.  Still, I was able to go home on Monday, and I was so thankful.  Matt and I were both ready to be back home with the boys and ready to start this new chapter of our lives.  Jack and Owen were so thankful to finally have us all under one roof again.

And so the last two weeks have been filled with getting to know Anna Claire, learning how to manage two busy boys along with a newborn, healing, nursing, and spending time together as a family of five.  We are so blessed to have Matt home for three weeks, and having him here has made this transition so much better. 

Anna Claire is a very sweet, snuggly little girl.  She is most content when she is curled up in a little ball in our arms.  She still sleeps a lot and only fusses or cries when she is hungry.  I hold her all the time because she is my last baby and I want to soak up every moment of it.  When we do put her down, she likes to sleep in her bouncy chair, and she tends to like her swing when she is awake.  And so Owen has named them the "sleeping seat" and the "awake seat, which seems very appropriate.

Jack absolutely adores his sister and is very curious about her.  He loves to hold her and talk to her.  He calls her "sweet girl" and goes "Sh sh sh sh sh" when she fusses and rubs her head when she is tired.  He has been incredibly helpful and will do anything I ask him to do for her.  Owen...well, Owen is still adjusting to his new sister.  He does not show as much interest in interacting with Anna Claire, but he does talk about her.  He has always been my "baby" so he is adjusting to having me hold a new baby now.  As a result, Matt and Owen seem to have developed a new sweet little bond, and I love to see them be silly together. 

Some of my favorite moments in the last week have been reading books to all the kids together, watching Matt hold his newborn daughter with a gentleness I never saw with the boys, going to the park as a family and carrying Anna around in my new wrap, and dressing Anna Claire up in adorable little girl clothes. 

One of my favorite songs is called "My Beloved" by Kari Jobe.   It's such a beautiful song and captures so much truth that I long for Anna Claire to hide in her heart.  I think every girl/woman I have ever met can relate to the struggles of not feeling beautiful or not just feeling like they are enough.  I pray that Anna Claire knows how beautiful she is and that her worth comes from the One who made her.  And that she is so incredibly loved.  So I'll leave you with this...a few moments of our first days with Anna Claire along with the words that I pray she will always cling to as she grows into the beautiful girl God made her to be.

On the night before you are born...

Dear Anna Claire,

In just a few hours we will be heading to the hospital for your birth.  We have been preparing for this day for a while, and now all the bags are packed, your room is ready, the swing and pack n play are set up for you at your new home, and all we need is you!   You have two big brothers who are so excited and anxious to meet you.  Jack is your biggest brother, and he's five and a half.  Jack couldn't sleep tonight because he was thinking about you and wondering what you will look like.  Jack is going to be one of your best friends, and he will watch over you and protect you just like a big brother should.  He has wanted you and prayed for you even before we knew that you would be a part of our family. Then there's Owen. He's three and a half, and he is so ready to be a big brother and teach you everything he knows.  Owen loves to find things all over the house and bring them to me to save for you. He also wants to give you everything that's pink and purple with flowers and butterflies.  Owen will give you lots of hugs and kisses and take good care of you.

Ever since i can remember, I have wanted a little girl.  I have prayed for you, and I have known your name would be Anna for many years now.  I still don't think I have fully realized that I am about to hold you, my sweet daughter, in just a few hours. Anna Claire, I remember the very moment I learned that God had given you to me.  I was so overcome with emotion that God would see fit to bless us with one more child, and it's almost time to finally meet you and hold you and see the little feet that have kicked inside me and the little person that has hiccuped everyday for the last two months.

Anna Claire, you have SO many people who love you and can't wait to meet you. Your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, your cousins, your brothers, and of course your daddy and me. I can't wait for you to meet your daddy and to see him hold you. He's the most wonderful daddy in the whole world, and he's going to snuggle you and kiss you and tickle you and read you stories and take care of you. He will protect you and provide for you and he will love you so much more than you could ever know. He even knows how to braid hair and paint fingernails and have tea parties. And he gives the best piggyback rides ever. You are going to love him so much.

There's so much I'm looking forward to with you! Holding you, seeing your tiny fingers and toes, hearing what your little voice sounds like. And to seeing your first smile or the first time that you reach out for me. or the first time that you laugh at your big brothers. I can't wait to see which toys will be your favorites. Will you by shy or sensitive or silly or smiley? What will be your first word, and what will be your favorite food?   And then there's playing with dolls and wearing dresses and coloring and playing house and PINK!  Goodness, I am just so excited to be your mom!

The last thing I want to tell you, Anna Claire, is that you are a gift from God. He has made you with his own hands, and he has created you to be exactly the person you are. You are God's perfect creation inside and out. I am praying for you, that you will always know how beautiful you are, and how much you are loved. Your family can't wait to meet you, sweet girl!

All my love,

Mommy

Moving and Marriage

This whole week we have been moving loads of stuff from the rental to the new house.  Jack and Owen have become quite skilled at packing and unpacking, loading and unloading, and I'm thankful for their willingness to help (candy corn goes a looong way in motivating little boys).  We have been measuring everything in terms of moving.  Like...only 3 more days of driving to school from this house and fighting this crazy traffic!  and only 4 more nights until you can take a bath in your new bathtub... and only 3 more nights until we sleep at our new house.  We are SO excited about starting this new chapter in our lives and getting settled into our new home that we have watched go up, brick by brick. 

Along with a new house and a new baby, we are shifting around furniture and updating a few things that have long needed to be updated.  Matt and I joke that we haven't been to Pier 1 since Jack was born...which was one of our favorite stores to browse at in our early days before kids.  Pre-kids, we used to spend hours talking about, planning, and shopping for our house.  It was our way of being grown up, I guess.  And then kids came along, and our house took a backseat.  So everything we have pretty much dates back to the period known as Before Kids. 

With all this transition going on, we've tried to update a couple of things--like we now need a breakfast table that will seat FIVE instead of just four.  And we're shifting around bedroom furniture so that the baby will have something to put all her pretty little girl things in.  We also need a new bed because the one we have is 10+ years old and is basically plywood covered in fabric.  I don't sleep really well these days...plywood plus a baby belly is not the best combination. 

Matt and I went mattress shopping last night.  Boy, was that a fun way to spend an evening without kids!!  Ugh.  Let's just say we almost got divorced in the mattress store.  Because Matt actually likes to sleep on plywood.  And I like something just a tad softer.  They make these plush beds that are supposed to be like a compromise between a firm and a soft bed.  But anything less than plywood is just too squishy for my sweet husband.  And one too many nights on plywood has made me cranky and unwilling to compromise.  And I know what you're thinking...they make those beds that you can adjust...only they are the price of a small car and not in the new house/new baby budget.  So after doing the whole arguing in the hushed voices thing in the middle of the bed store, we realized we weren't going to be agreeing on anything, and the sales guy was, I'm sure, relieved to see us go. 

Then we went over to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to pick out curtains for our bedroom to go with our new king-size bedding to go on the bed we don't actually have yet.  We had dropped in Monday with the kids but realized that we had forgotten the sham from the bedding to match the curtains to, and there was a nice lady there.  She saw us with the kids trying to pick curtains to go with bedding that we didn't actually have, and she offered to help.  But we were doing the whole bickering like a 70 year old couple thing again--"I thought you got the sham."  "No, why would I get it?  You didn't tell me to get it!"  "I left it on the counter but it wasn't there so I thought YOU got it!"  "I didn't get it.  YOU were supposed to get it."  And after that quick little scene we made, we got out of there.  Well, we went back last night without kids (thanks to Nana and Poppy) and wouldn't you know the same girl was there!  She was all, You're back again!  Did you bring the thing you needed this time??  You don't have your kids with you!  Is there anything I can help you with?  I. was. mortified.  After debating which shade of off-white to go with, we finally made a choice that we agreed on, and got out of there. 

Moving/building a house is supposed to be way up there on the list of things that can cause stress in life, and boy do I believe it!  This is our third house together--third time to pick paint colors and flooring and window treatments--and each time it has been a challenge.  We both know what we like and it's not always the same thing.  We've learned to bend and compromise and give and take and somehow find a middle ground, but I gotta be honest.  It's not always easy.  Even when the decision seems SO inconsequential.  It's just good practice for the bigger decisions in life...which thank goodness, we mostly agree on, anyway. 

We are going mattress shopping again tomorrow.  Wish us luck!

What the kiddos have been up to...

Jack and Owen have grown up a lot in the last few months, and we just recently started school again for both.  They also had their half-birthdays last month, so they are very proud to say that they are now five-and-a-half and three-and-a-half.  In fact, Owen was a little indignant when I told him he would get to be in the 3-year-old class this year at school because he told me, "Mommy, I am not 3!  I am 3-and-a-half!"  There's a HUGE difference, there, in case you didn't know.

Back in the spring, they both struggled much more than we ever expected with our move to the rental.  They seemed to really mourn the old house and had a hard time understanding that we would be moving twice.  They each dealt with their anxiety and worries in different ways--Jack becoming emotional and having melt downs at the oddest times, and Owen picking up a temporary stutter and not sleeping well at night.  It took us all about a month to adjust, but they settled in, and thankfully, seem much more excited about the move to the new house in a couple of weeks.  Our old house was really special to all of us!

This summer we spent A LOT of time at the pool.  It was SO hot, and it was pretty much the only place that I could go and not feel completely sick and wiped out by the little baby busy growing inside.  The boys love to swim, particularly Jack, and he got quite good at swimming with all that practice.  We had a pretty uneventful summer, otherwise.

This year was a pretty significant year for Jack because he started kindergarten this year!  Matt and I decided to send Jack to a small Christian school here that's a little unusual.  Jack goes to school 3 days a week, and he's home with me 2 days each week.  Some call it a homeschool co-op, but even that description doesn't seem accurate to me, because many homeschool co-ops are not nearly as traditional or structured as this school.  Jack follows a very traditional school day on the days he goes to school--the only differences are that his class size is 10 kids, the day is shorter, and it is a Christian school.  At home, we follow his teacher's lesson plans and use the same curriculum, and I do a lot of extra work with him at home to supplement what he is learning, too.  So far it has been a really positive experience for all of us.  Jack seems to love his teacher and new friends, is excited about going to school, and talks all about it when he's at home (which is a pretty significant change from his preschool years, where we rarely heard about his days at school).  Jack also has a new interest in writing and is constantly writing little notes or making signs for his room or practicing his letters.  I could honestly go into great detail about our experience here, but I'll save it for another post and another day.

Owen loves his preschool class and his teachers adore him, too.  They describe him as a leader in the room and says he has a constant smile on his face.  I love to hear that!  Owen can be pretty shy, so I'm glad he's coming out of his shell at school.  Unlike Jack at age 3, Owen loves to tell us all about what he is learning in school, and who he played with each day.  I also love that Owen has his own place to go apart from Jack because Owen spends so much time imitating Jack and looks up to him so much, which I love, but it's nice to see Owen have his own thing, too.

Jack started playing soccer with Upward this fall, and he loves it!  The program is excellent--very organized and a great intro to the game.  Jack has scored two goals this season, and for a kid who's not really into sports, he seems to really be enjoying the season. 

And as far as the baby, which we found out is a GIRL!, she spends her days kicking, sleeping, wiggling, and hiccupping.  And we can't wait to see her face.  The boys are very excited to meet her, though they have not one bit of interest in feeling her move at all.  Jack has wanted a baby sister for quite a while, but Owen really could take her or leave her at this point.  Hopefully, he'll like her a little more when she's here and not ask us to take her back to the hospital like my brother did when I came along!  I just went to the doctor today at 32 weeks 4 days, and she is estimated to weigh 4 lbs, 10 oz., which is in the 54th percentile.  This is a pretty big change for me from the boys, who always measured ahead.  This pregnancy has been pretty easy, I have to admit.  The tummy aches and exhaustion in the beginning were rough and lasted til about 20 weeks, but since then, everything has gone very well, which I count as a huge blessing.  I'm anxious to see and hold her, but I'm also trying my best to enjoy this pregnancy, since this is for sure our last baby.

That's just a brief update on each...I'll try to write more about the boys soon, and how things are going in the new house.  Fall is our favorite time of year, and I hope that we can get in and get settled so we can begin some of our favorite fall traditions very soon!!

Long Overdue Update...Part 3

Now that we had a contract on a new house and a new little one on the way, we knew we had to get our house in tiptop shape to get it on the market.  We decided to go with the same realtor that we were using for the new house (who works with the builder) because we got a great feeling about her and we felt like she wanted our house to sell as much as we did, so we could keep our contract on the new house.  She did an amazing job!  She worked SO hard, and we had a showing almost every single day.  The house was under contract in just about two weeks and went to closing with absolutely no issues.  So if you're in the market for a realtor, Terri Kerr is your girl.  Can't say enough great things abouth her...

And then we were homeless...well, not really.  But I did wring my hands about this one little detail for quite a while.  We had not expected our house to sell quite so soon, and while we were thrilled, we now had to find a place that would let us do a 5 month lease with a dog and not charge us an arm and a leg to do it.  I checked apartment complexes, I searched for rental homes, I drove around town looking for "For Rent" signs with not much luck.  I did the only thing I knew to do when I'm in over my head...I began praying.  I asked for guidance and clarity and begged God not to use this moment to teach our family that we really could get by in just a one bedroom apartment for 5 months.  And I then I found this random house on this random website...called the landlord and he really was okay with just a 5 month lease and a dog and didn't even want a pet deposit or anything!!  I had seen some sketchy places and was almost convinced that this was too good to be true...but I'm pretty optimistic so we went by and checked the house out and it was actually okay!  We decided it would definitely serve our purpose for the time we needed it.

The landlord worked hard for the next month getting the house ready for us (it had been vacant for a while...), and it was just such an answered prayer and another way that God provided for us when we were losing hope...we were this close to being in a tiny apartment with no storage and paying ridiculous amounts of money for deposits and a short term lease...and all of a sudden, we had this 3 bedroom house with a yard and a two car garage for storage, and we were saving well over $2000 over the course of 5 months. 

And why is this story important?  Well, we soon found out after we moved in that the house was, get this...going into foreclosure!!  I was all, uh-uh, no way, this CANNOT be happening!  But the landlord assured us it was okay, and that he was working out the details.  Turns out, the landlord had fallen on some hard times, and we were as much a blessing to him as he was to us!  It's always amazing to me when I take a step back to see how much God orders our steps and works things out according to His purposes and plan.  This landlord, who will likely lose this house at some point, has gone out of his way to make sure we have had everything we need.  He has taken care of every single problem and every issue we have had.  What a blessing this house has been for us (even when we don't realize or appreciate it at times).

So now, here we are, just a few days from closing, and we could not be more excited or thrilled or anxious to get settled into what we hope will be our home for many, many years to come.  We (and by we, I mean Matt) will be spending the next couple of weeks painting, hanging window treatments, closet organizers, and those kinds of things, and we will be officially moved in on October 8.  Just in time to get that new nursery all set up!  Which reminds me that I included almost nothing in all of this updating on the kids, so stay tuned for the next post...an update on the boys (and girl). 

Long overdue update...part 2

Matt loves houses, house hunting, pouring over house plans...he even likes to watch HGTV (but really mostly the boy shows on there).  Anyone who knows Matt knows that he likes things to be neat and organized and matching.  What people probably don't know is that he can spend a lot of time doing things like making paper furniture to scale to fit on a house plan or tape the outline of furniture on the floor to get a better idea of how to organize a room and make sure that everything is juuuuust right. 

So since our "guest" bedroom would soon be occupied by a new little member of our family, I thought we might need to rethink our plans for furniture there.  This was the perfect opportunity to sneak in some news that Matt wouldn't be expecting.  I took our house plan and drew little furniture drawings in all the rooms upstairs (complete with a crib and changing table in the "guest room") so that I could, um..."get his thoughts on furniture placement" for the new house.  Once I got everything just right, I watched the clock tick the minutes by until it was finally time for Matt to arrive home. 

The plan that I used to share the big news with Matt...see the baby furniture in Bedroom 4?

While the boys were outside playing, I casually greeted Matt..."Hi honey!  Glad you're home! Hey, why don't you take a look at these plans?  I drew the furniture in each room but I'm not sure about all the placements...thought you might have some thoughts..." and just like that he took the plans and began studying over them.  Luckily, Matt is typically oblivious to any cues I might have been giving off that anything was out of the norm, and any excitement he might have sensed would have easily been attributed to excitement over the new house.  He took what felt like forever, studying each room carefully...asking me questions about this bed and that dresser.  He finally got to THE room and chuckled to himself, and said, "A crib...you're silly."  To which I responded, "Well, we are going to need it!"  And Matt responds, "Yeah, someday..." (See?  Oblivious!).  Then I said, "Umm...in about 9 months!"  I so wish I had recorded the moment somehow.  He just looked at me with this look of disbelief.  I think he actually had to sit down.  He did lots of big breaths and stared at the table with big eyes and said. "Wow."  Something resembling a smile seemed to appear across his face as he was hit with all the thoughts and emotions that I had already felt earlier...He didn't think it was going to happen...And now with the new house....and of course, thinking of the impact financially (as dads tend to do...). 

I was thrilled that I was able to surprise him and once the shock wore off, he was excited, too.  Nervous, but excited.  We decided to wait a while to tell the boys (and everyone else) for a few weeks until we heard the heartbeat and felt more confident sharing the news.  Boy was that hard!

Three weeks later came Easter.  I had just had an ultrasound and heard the heartbeat and we decided to surprise the boys with the news.  We did a scavenger hunt for them and I hid different little baby items in Easter eggs...a pacifier, baby food, baby shampoo, etc...We sent them all over the house with clues and once they found all the eggs, they opened them and had to guess the big surprise.  Jack was thrilled, as he has wanted a new baby for a while.  Owen was a little more reserved, but he IS my baby now...so I wasn't surprised. 

Knowing that this is the last time that we will get to share news like this, it was extra special and extra sweet.  And so we settled into our new chaos of preparing for a baby and for a move...of course, there was one small detail.  We still needed to sell our house that was now definitely feeling crowded with one more on the way...